For about an year i was having lower back pain and irregular cycles but i assumed it was just normal but when the pain got too much i decided to go see a doctor. The tests revealed that i had a huge cyst/tumor on one of my overies. I know for a fact that i dint want to here what the doctor had in store because in some way i suspected it was cancer. And the truth is it was really ovarian cancer.
At that very moment the only thing that i could think of was just death. I kept on telling myself this is a disease for old people . ” how am i going to tell mum? How do i tell the ones that i love that i am going to die of cancer?” Those were the only questions in my mind.
My mum has been going through alot lately she is has been suffering in silence struggling with spinal cord injury n at some point some doctor injected her with an expired tetenus drug. She hasnt fully recovered and i dint want to add more burden to her. In my mind i was like if i die who will take care of her?
My dad died 15 years ago. And for all those years i was mad at him for leaving mum and i in a world where terrible things happen. I was mad at myself for not being able to say goodbye and its something i have carried around for 15 years. All i know in my heart that i don’t want to leave my family in the same state.
I became so depressed and decided to shut the world out. I dint know how pple would look at me or treat me after i open up about my condition. I din’t want any pity parties at all. When my dad died alot of people came with false promises, while others took the opportunity to harass my mum n take away everything she had left. So i was thinking how am i going to open up to cruel people. A cruel world. I wanted to do this alone because i was not in a position to talk to anyone.
For so many days i suffered silently. I would go out and laugh with people but deep inside me i was dying i was suffering in silence but again i remembered 7 years ago someone tried to take
Advantage of me because i was young and naive and for 2 years i kept quiet and when i finally opened up so many people din’t believe me, others thoght i was lying others were asking i din’t say anything for two years. And i thought that maybe if i open up about my cancer situation people where going to judge me. Others were going to come with false promises just like they have done in the past few years.
Today was my first day for chemo. (6 hours of chemo) i feel so tired and worn out. But in the process i feel so challenged to choose whether to care or fight on. And i choose to fight!
I know that there are so many out there like me going through the same thing. Its time to let go. The world is beautiful but terrible things happen but once you choose hope anything is possible don’t be afraid. Don’t get hung up in on all the hard times challenges. Are you going to care or are you going to fight?
I hope some day i will be able to share my story and highlight the victories because i know that its my victory that will inspire, motivate, encourage other people to live their lives
I haven’t accepted all this yet but i know i will get there. I told my mum and she took it in a positive way she has been my pillar along with my two best friends winnie Ruto (chezzie) and Lauren Kinya ( loloh). And that one special person in my life who makes me smile always. I thank God for them.
I dedicate this post for those who are fighting cancer or who have survived it and for loved ones of the ones dealing with cancer. I hope you find comfort inspiratio and strength.
God bless you